I’m having really weird ones lately, and it’s making me wonder just what the fuck my subconscious wants to say. I thought I was straight up through, with all your bullshit! But I guess my heart wants you to come back for a little bit. What’s wrong with meeee omg. Any sane person would have let you go in a heartbeat, but you wanna know something? When it comes to you, I can’t think of anything else at all. You’re probably the biggest chunk of kryptonite I’ve ever seen, if you want to know the truth. I feel like I could listen to you speak for hours about nothing in particular, I know that I already have. Let me fill you in: I’ve nothing to battle except the most foolish of hearts.
I am so disgusted with myself, with the faith I have in humanity. I want somebody to prove them wrong. Just one person to care about me the way I care about the world. I am so sick of putting other people first, of getting hurt and being the only one. Is it so selfish to want something more? I dream of the things I used to have; am I never happy with my life?
I used to have fucking everything, you need to understand. I used to wake up to a million and one ‘good morning’ texts, I used to have the best friends anyone could ask for. My weeks were packed end to end with having a grand old time, and I regret that I fucked it up, I swear. I’m cutting English for the second day in a row; I’m guaranteeing at least three detentions for next week. I used to be such a good kid.
Lately, I’m full of nothing but disappointment and shame. What happened to feeling alive? What happened to feeling anything at all. I know it’s cliche, what I do when I have nothing else to say .. but come on. Nobody’ll even notice. Except maybe my global teacher.
But, this is about dreams (and this is getting really long). Not necessarily ones that come in the dormancy of night .. but goals. Things that I aspire to be. I had previously mentioned my lack of ambition, however, through this state of self contempt, I realized I’m the only push I need. Today is a step towards freedom.
I’ve got a sub, so now I’m sitting in the library. Three guys are in front of me watching Naruto on Youtube .. lol. “OMG HIS HEAD! TEE HEE!” Really, now. You’re like eighteen! D:
Also, I guess the plan is movies and mall later with Eli; I’m really not in the mood for run-ins, though. It’ll be seamless. Promise me it’ll be seamless. One of these guys looks like Ryan Scheckler.
I don’t know, I was talking with ___ this morning, trying to figure out the reason for my incessant indifference to everything. But since even she couldn’t come up with an answer, I guess I’ll have to figure that shit out on my own. I need to have goals.
Yeh. I’m so hyphy about this shit. I need to smoke, someone get me some Blacks.
Jesus, I love the way they love each other haha. It gives me crazy hope, man; they’re apart for ten days, and all they can ever talk about is how much they missed lying in bed together. Aw :)
Hey. Today begins the epic journey of epic journies. Or whatever. I’m getting a boner from Sierra Kusterbeck’s voice, I can’t really think straight haha.
Oh, anyway, today, I’m gonna start losing the weight and eliminating my flaws. Incidentally, today is the eleventh of the month. Pivotal, if you will. I am a new human.
Basically, this is what my life is about.
What are we doing on street corners, kids? Haha honestly. Let’s get a life or something. Someone get a car. We’re so fucking young.
I found my old journal from eighth grade, and Jesus, let me tell you. I was just a little ball of wit and complication. Who knew I could spew out words like that at fourteen? I don’t know. I fell in love that year.
Or, you know, at least I thought I did. Now, I see that I only confused empty promises and youthful oblivion for ‘always and forever’. Aw, silly kid. But it’s not like I can take those years back, huh? Guess we’re gonna have to live with knowing it happened.
Whatever, Al; It was fun while it lasted, you really have to admit.
Myspace default haha.