Dreams, Oh Dreams.
I’m having really weird ones lately, and it’s making me wonder just what the fuck my subconscious wants to say. I thought I was straight up through, with all your bullshit! But I guess my heart wants you to come back for a little bit. What’s wrong with meeee omg. Any sane person would have let you go in a heartbeat, but you wanna know something? When it comes to you, I can’t think of anything else at all. You’re probably the biggest chunk of kryptonite I’ve ever seen, if you want to know the truth. I feel like I could listen to you speak for hours about nothing in particular, I know that I already have. Let me fill you in: I’ve nothing to battle except the most foolish of hearts.
I am so disgusted with myself, with the faith I have in humanity. I want somebody to prove them wrong. Just one person to care about me the way I care about the world. I am so sick of putting other people first, of getting hurt and being the only one. Is it so selfish to want something more? I dream of the things I used to have; am I never happy with my life?
I used to have fucking everything, you need to understand. I used to wake up to a million and one ‘good morning’ texts, I used to have the best friends anyone could ask for. My weeks were packed end to end with having a grand old time, and I regret that I fucked it up, I swear. I’m cutting English for the second day in a row; I’m guaranteeing at least three detentions for next week. I used to be such a good kid.
Lately, I’m full of nothing but disappointment and shame. What happened to feeling alive? What happened to feeling anything at all. I know it’s cliche, what I do when I have nothing else to say .. but come on. Nobody’ll even notice. Except maybe my global teacher.
But, this is about dreams (and this is getting really long). Not necessarily ones that come in the dormancy of night .. but goals. Things that I aspire to be. I had previously mentioned my lack of ambition, however, through this state of self contempt, I realized I’m the only push I need. Today is a step towards freedom.
